Supporting a Loved One at Christmas with ARFID
For many people, Christmas revolves around food. Families spend days planning menus, swapping recipes, reminiscing about the meals they grew up with, visiting the busy shops to make sure they have all their favourite snacks for the festive period, and creating the dishes that make the day feel special. For many, food represents celebration, tradition, and togetherness. It often feels like the centrepiece around which everything else happens.
But if someone you love has ARFID (Avoidant/Restrictive Food Intake Disorder), the festive season can be one of the most challenging parts of the year. Not because they don’t appreciate the effort or the sentiment behind the meal, but because their relationship with food is complex, and their thoughts around food are far from joy and excitement. For many, ARFID can trigger intense sensory reactions, feelings of disgust, or a complete lack of interest in food that makes certain meals feel overwhelming, frightening, or physically impossible to manage.
This blog is written for those supporting someone with ARFID this Christmas. This is for the parents, partners, siblings, friends, and extended family members who want to be supportive but may find themselves confused, worried, or unsure of the right thing to do. Christmas can bring up many emotions on both sides and understanding what’s actually going on can make the day feel safer and more connected for everyone involved.
Why Christmas Is Difficult for Someone with ARFID
Christmas food is designed to be “special.” The flavours are richer, the smells are stronger, and dishes often contain several components mixed together. For someone with ARFID, particularly when sensory sensitivities are part of the picture, this is the opposite of what feels manageable. A traditional Christmas dinner tends to combine strong smells, unfamiliar textures, foods that touch each other on the plate, and multiple flavours competing for attention. What might look festive and comforting to you can feel like a sensory assault to someone with ARFID.
Even foods your loved one usually tolerates may not feel safe on Christmas Day. A familiar chicken breast might be prepared differently, using new seasonings or marinades. A bread roll might contain herbs they weren’t expecting. A vegetable they’ve spent months learning to tolerate may be roasted with garlic, cheese, or spices. When food changes, even slightly, the sense of safety around it can disappear.
This isn’t stubbornness or dramatic behaviour; it’s the way their brain processes sensory information. Their body can react with nausea, gagging, fear, or intense disgust long before conscious thought comes into play. It’s similar to a phobia response: involuntary, overwhelming, and impossible to “push through” simply because everyone else is eating the same thing.
On top of that, Christmas dinner is a long, highly social event. People linger at the table. There’s an unspoken expectation to participate fully. Plates are observed, commented on, and compared. Even the most well-meaning questions (“Aren’t you having any potatoes?” “Do you want some of the stuffing?”) can feel like scrutiny. When your loved one is already carrying guilt, shame, or anxiety, the pressure of being watched can be especially hard.
The Emotional Weight of ARFID at Christmas
People with ARFID often describe the guilt they feel at Christmas as the most painful part. Not feeling guilty about what they’ve eaten, but the belief that they’re disappointing the people they care about. They worry they’re being ungrateful, that they’re ruining the family’s traditions, or that they’re drawing attention away from what should be a joyful day. They might rehearse explanations in their head, only to feel embarrassed saying them out loud. They might try to hide their discomfort to avoid upsetting anyone, even if doing so increases their own distress.
It’s easy to assume that if someone were hungry enough, or if they really cared about the meal, they would eat at least a small amount. But ARFID doesn’t work like that. The fear driven by ARFID doesn’t disappear because of hunger or politeness. Imagine you had a severe fear of spiders, and someone asked you to hold one to show you were grateful for being invited to their home. This is what sitting down to Christmas dinner can feel like for someone with ARFID.
Or, if sensory issues or a fear of consequences (like nausea, choking or gagging) are the driver of someone’s concerns around food, imagine someone with a severe allergy being told that they should eat the food anyway, as this would show gratitude. You would never expect that of them. And although ARFID isn’t an allergy, the experience – a body that won’t let you do something it perceives as unsafe – is the same: forcing someone to eat foods that feel unsafe doesn’t prove care or connection. It simply puts them in a position where they feel ashamed and overwhelmed, and could ultimately worsen their relationship with food in the long run.
Your loved one isn’t choosing to opt out of the meal. They’re trying to protect themselves from an experience that feels genuinely intolerable. Knowing that you understand this, really understand it, can make an enormous difference to how supported they feel.
Creating a Safer Christmas
Supporting someone with ARFID doesn’t require grand gestures or perfectly crafted meals. What matters most is reducing pressure, offering understanding, and making it clear that your relationship with them isn’t dependent on what they do or don’t eat.
Here are gentle, meaningful ways to make the day easier:
1. Reassure them that they don’t need to justify their needs
A simple acknowledgement can lift a huge emotional burden:
“Please bring any foods you feel comfortable with.”
“You don’t need to push yourself for our sake.”
Letting them know in advance that they won’t be pressured removes the fear of disappointing you.
2. Support them in bringing their own food
There is nothing rude or ungrateful about bringing safe foods to a meal. It prevents distress and ensures they aren’t left with nothing to eat. Make it clear that this is welcome and not interpreted as a criticism of your cooking.
3. Avoid commenting on what’s on their plate
Even seemingly harmless remarks can feel exposing. This also means avoiding comparisons with others at the table or drawing attention to what they “haven’t touched yet.”
4. Keep conversation centred on connection, not food
Talk about memories, interests, the year that’s passed, or whatever usually brings everyone together. When the focus shifts away from what’s being eaten, your loved one is more able to participate fully.
5. Make space for them to step away from the table (or not sit there at all)
For some people with ARFID, the sensory intensity of a shared meal, the smells, the noise, and the sight of foods they can’t tolerate can become overwhelming very quickly. It can be far easier for them to stay connected to the day if they’re able to come and go, sit elsewhere, or join only for the parts that feel manageable. Allowing this without comment or pressure can make the whole experience feel safer and more inclusive, and shows that their presence matters more than where they sit or how long they stay.
6. Remember that their presence matters far more than the meal
The heart of Christmas isn’t what’s on the table; it’s who is around it. The laughter, the games, the conversation, the small moments of closeness. These are the things people remember years later, and these are the things your loved one can fully participate in, even if eating feels impossible.
Supporting a Loved One with ARFID
When the way that you eat or respond to food feels different to others, the world can feel isolating and lonely. During this time of connection, what matters the most is your understanding, your lack of pressure and your willingness to compassionately believe their experience, even if you’ve never felt anything similar yourself.
ARFID is often misunderstood, and at Christmas, that misunderstanding can become especially painful. By approaching the day with empathy rather than assumptions, you help your loved one feel safe, included, and valued, regardless of what’s on their plate.
Christmas doesn’t become meaningful because everybody ate the same meal. It becomes meaningful because everybody feels they belong.
If someone you love is struggling with ARFID or another eating disorder and you’d like support in understanding their needs more deeply, please reach out to the team at Altum Health. We’re here to help you navigate these conversations with compassion and confidence. We also recommend looking at ARFID Awareness UK for support and advice.
Wishing you all a warm and connected Christmas…
Dr Courtney
