What’s the biggest surprise people often have in eating disorder recovery?
You might grieve the loss of your eating disorder.
Despite the pain, distress, and suffering it can cause, we would be fooling ourselves if we didn’t acknowledge the certainty, structure, and validation it also provides.
For many of our clients, recovery often brings relief, freedom, and healing. However, to truly recover, we must also accept and acknowledge how recovery provokes sadness, fear, and a profound sense of loss.
Letting go of something so dominating, even when it is harming you, is bound to leave a void. Understanding that this grief is normal is an important part of healing, and acceptance can be a huge step in helping you move forward.
Why Grieving Your Eating Disorder Happens
Eating disorders are often ego-syntonic, meaning the thoughts and behaviours they bring can feel like a natural part of who you are. There’s a misunderstanding that they are “just about food” or “just about weight”, but that couldn’t be further from the truth.
They are all-consuming ways of living that shape every thought, every decision, every relationship, and every action. They dictate your daily choices and become woven into your sense of self.
At first, they might feel like a companion, promising comfort, stability, or the hope of a better future. Over time, they become so ingrained in daily life that the behaviours may feel automatic or invisible, making them even harder to let go.
That’s why the thought of recovery can feel so overwhelming. You might find yourself wondering: If the eating disorder goes away… what will be left of me?
What Grief in Recovery Can Look Like
I often hear clients worry that when it’s gone, silence will replace the persistent eating disorder chatter. That might sound peaceful, but for many, it’s unsettling. The eating disorder voice, however cruel, has been a constant companion. The reality is that our brains don’t just go silent because an eating disorder no longer exists, and suddenly losing that internal dialogue can feel like losing a relationship.
The grief isn’t just about losing behaviours, it’s about losing a way of being that felt familiar, even if it was harmful.
I’ve heard clients grieve:
- The version of themselves they knew with the eating disorder, even if that self was suffering
- The time they lost to rituals, rules, and missed experiences
- The identity they built around being “the fit one,” “the disciplined one,” or “the slim one”
- The sense of purpose and control that the eating disorder provided, even if it was destructive
- The way the eating disorder made decisions felt simple – there was always a clear “right” and “wrong” choice
- The protection it offered from difficult emotions or overwhelming situations
While recovery is the goal, remember that your eating disorder didn’t appear overnight, and it won’t disappear overnight either. The grief doesn’t mean you’re ungrateful for recovery or that you don’t want to go back; it means you are human.
The Loneliness of Letting Go
Recovery can feel isolating in unexpected ways. You might grieve the community you felt with others who understood the eating disorder’s rules. You might miss feeling “special” or different because of your discipline or control. There’s a strange loneliness in giving up something that felt like it made you unique, even if that uniqueness came at a terrible cost.
You might also find yourself mourning experiences you missed while in the grips of the eating disorder – but paradoxically, you might also miss the eating disorder that defined those very experiences. This contradiction is part of what makes the grief so complex and confusing.
A Final Word: Two Truths Can Exist Together
It’s possible to want recovery and still miss your eating disorder. Missing it doesn’t mean you want to go back; it means you’re human.
You’re grieving the loss of something that, for a time, helped you survive, even if it also hurt you. That’s not a red flag, it’s a reflection of just how much space the eating disorder once took up in your life.
This grief might catch you off guard. You might feel guilty for missing something that caused so much pain. You might worry that grieving means you’re not committed to recovery. But grief and gratitude can coexist. You can be grateful for the path toward healing while still mourning what you’re leaving behind.
The eating disorder was never just an illness – it was a relationship. And like any relationship that ends, even one that was harmful, there can be sadness in the goodbye.
Allow yourself to feel this loss without judgment. The grief doesn’t last forever, but honouring it as part of your journey can help you move through it with compassion for yourself.
Take care,
Dr Courtney
Altum Health
Therapy can offer the space to explore that grief safely and honestly. At Altum Health, we understand that letting go of the eating disorder is rarely simple, and we’re here to help you through it. You can book a free, 20-minute consultation here.
